Do you feel like housemates rather than lovers? Are you disconnected and feeling unloved?
Deepest intimacy - Remember back to when you were first with you partner and your relationship was just starting? You were so in love and shared everything, talking for hour upon hour about everything. You couldn't get enough of each other, right?
You got together whenever you could. You talked long into the night and were forever on the phone whenever you were not together. You would talk about yourselves and your past relationships, your hopes and your dreams, your disappointments and your failures " everything! That was because you believed that your partner wanted to know everything about you. You felt safe that no matter what you said, your partner would love you and not judge you.
Shallower communication - Then something changed. Love waned and it probably started like this: She brings up a topic that she wants to discuss and he responds negatively, which is not what she is used to. A second negative response causes her to decide not to raise that particular topic again. She decides that she will be more careful from now on, she will choose carefully what she says and when, so as not to get a negative response again.
He has noticed the change in her communication and asks, "Are you OK?" "Yes", is her abrupt response. He persists with, "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" "Yes, I'm OK", she replies sharply. He then is somewhat taken aback by her harsh response. Now he also becomes careful about what he says in case he gets a negative response from her. Thus begins a downward spiral in intimacy where one no longer tells the other what they are thinking or feeling.
The bedroom - Soon difficulties in the bedroom begin. She is now harboring resentments against him - hurts that haven't gone away because of his earlier negative responses. He is also feeling some confusion and resentment, noticing that she is slightly distant and starting to snap and bicker more. Her short sarcastic responses really hurt. They are intended to hurt, of course. Both are starting to feel that the relationship is not as deep and connected as it used to be.
Soon he approaches her for sex, seeking reassurance that this relationship is still OK. He wants to feel close again in the way he knows how. But she is feeling the distance too, and so is not responsive to his approach. She wants to talk about the hurts, the way she feels when he snaps at her, before she feels ready for sex. So she says, "No, not tonight". Several more answers of, "No, not tonight", and he stops asking because he doesn't like to be rejected. She notices that he stops asking and starts to feel more hurt, even more rejected than she did before.
Housemates - Living as housemates means that there is no emotional intimacy. Conversation is maintained at a superficial level and you each wear a mask, disguising your true feelings by limiting discussion to 'safe' topics to do with the household or managing the children. She treads gently around him and he never gets to talk about what's going on in his head because he fears her reaction. They never have sex and so suspicion, petty arguments and irritability rises. There is a decrease in the level of trust. The Housemate syndrome has arrived!
Deepest intimacy - Remember back to when you were first with you partner and your relationship was just starting? You were so in love and shared everything, talking for hour upon hour about everything. You couldn't get enough of each other, right?
You got together whenever you could. You talked long into the night and were forever on the phone whenever you were not together. You would talk about yourselves and your past relationships, your hopes and your dreams, your disappointments and your failures " everything! That was because you believed that your partner wanted to know everything about you. You felt safe that no matter what you said, your partner would love you and not judge you.
Shallower communication - Then something changed. Love waned and it probably started like this: She brings up a topic that she wants to discuss and he responds negatively, which is not what she is used to. A second negative response causes her to decide not to raise that particular topic again. She decides that she will be more careful from now on, she will choose carefully what she says and when, so as not to get a negative response again.
He has noticed the change in her communication and asks, "Are you OK?" "Yes", is her abrupt response. He persists with, "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" "Yes, I'm OK", she replies sharply. He then is somewhat taken aback by her harsh response. Now he also becomes careful about what he says in case he gets a negative response from her. Thus begins a downward spiral in intimacy where one no longer tells the other what they are thinking or feeling.
The bedroom - Soon difficulties in the bedroom begin. She is now harboring resentments against him - hurts that haven't gone away because of his earlier negative responses. He is also feeling some confusion and resentment, noticing that she is slightly distant and starting to snap and bicker more. Her short sarcastic responses really hurt. They are intended to hurt, of course. Both are starting to feel that the relationship is not as deep and connected as it used to be.
Soon he approaches her for sex, seeking reassurance that this relationship is still OK. He wants to feel close again in the way he knows how. But she is feeling the distance too, and so is not responsive to his approach. She wants to talk about the hurts, the way she feels when he snaps at her, before she feels ready for sex. So she says, "No, not tonight". Several more answers of, "No, not tonight", and he stops asking because he doesn't like to be rejected. She notices that he stops asking and starts to feel more hurt, even more rejected than she did before.
Housemates - Living as housemates means that there is no emotional intimacy. Conversation is maintained at a superficial level and you each wear a mask, disguising your true feelings by limiting discussion to 'safe' topics to do with the household or managing the children. She treads gently around him and he never gets to talk about what's going on in his head because he fears her reaction. They never have sex and so suspicion, petty arguments and irritability rises. There is a decrease in the level of trust. The Housemate syndrome has arrived!
About the Author:
More expert advice on recognizing problem areas and dealing with a decrease in intimacy once your relationship deteriorates is available from Karen Gosling's website, which is all about surviving indifference.
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